Extraordinary Existence.

Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world.

Mary Oliver

{Photo via: We Heart It}

Flat Lining.

There are worse things than being in love with the wrong one.

(I just haven't felt them yet.)

S.

{Photo: Flickr Mary Robinson}

So much to never say.

Your silence creates a loneliness inside of me that echoes. Deep and empty.
You really left me hanging, this time around. 

When it comes, I must die a bitter old woman - or sooner, a cynical young soul.
They can write books about the one who never loved. 

That's what they were told. 

I think I need to find some daylight - 

Before I fade. 

S.

{Photo by: Flickr Mischelle} 

Choose Love.

In light of this situation, in light of this life, I think it best that we stop and recall the words of Martin Luther King Jr.:

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,

begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes: Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

I see no good in wishing ill on someone, for that only traps us in our own cycle of hate and darkness. Remember that light and love are the only weapons we have to drive out the blackness that surrounds us; and indeed, that is what we should long for.

Choose love, dear friends, above hate or bitterness or anger. Choose it so that it can become part of your character. Choose it when you are wronged, and when it it the furthest from instinct. Choose it, because it is our only hope now: it is our doorway to forgiveness, and through that door we will find freedom and joy renewed.

I am sorry for everything that has happened; but remember that more pain will neither reverse nor erase the pain already felt. Remember that you have a choice, and then choose love.

S.

Trick of the light.

I found out today that that smile isn't just for me. Not that I should have thought it so. But still.
It changes things, I think.

Maybe it gives it less power over me. Knowing that it has been used - is being used - on others. Knowing it's been weakening more knees than my own, well, perhaps it makes mine stronger.

I like to think so, anyhow.
But truth be told, I may soon forget. Oh, as soon as it's shot in my direction again, I imagine.

For I am a stupid girl. Oh, so very stupid. And I forget what a cynic I am. I forget that I've given up on love, and on true, honest men that can be devoted to one woman for the rest of their lives. I forget that words like "love" and "forever" were made up by cruel people behind books, instruments and Hollywood posters with nothing to do but inflict a cold, hard misery on real life for the sake of a best seller or a good show. I forget so much with a glance.

With a glance, I believe in faithful partners. In lasting love. In honest answers. In trust and trustworthiness. --- All fake. All blind. All made up for a story with a happy ending.

It's time I woke up. It's time I opened my eyes. It's time I said goodbye.

S.

{Photo via: We Heart It}

Please understand.

I haven't put a word to how I feel about you yet. As far as words can go, they still haven't reached here. Not that I can find, anyway. And not in a sappy love-song kind of way. No, I'm not saying that I have some kind of love or a passion that goes deeper and further than language. Just a feeling I haven't had before.

I could try here, to write out what I know. To put the pen towards honest words; honest feelings. But you know that would open me up more than I am willing, making me just a step further out of my boundaries than I can allow.

You can - and will - read between the lines and answer for yourself; you're probably better at finding the words than me.

-- There are a handful of things that I fear in this world. The deepest of these, the ones that I think on most, are the ones surrounding relationships. Any relationship. Any closeness.

This is where I stumble. This is why I fail. And this is where you brush up to the border; sticking your foot in the door and scaring me, for I have not yet become the person I need be.

I will never be her. Not so far as I can see.

I already know what you need, and - most importantly - what you don't.

I am the latter - please understand.

S.

{Photo via: Favim}

Facts

Ferris Bueller's Day Off never gets old.

I love apple juice. I would say it's one of my passions.

I can be really competetive at times. That being said.. I'm going to win Gotcha. Watch the heck out grads.

I've had to work every Sunday for months, and I feel like all this time away from church and my Christian friends is weighing heavily down on my relationship with God.

It scares me how much the weather can control my mood.

I wish I could sing.

Sometimes I wish I grew up in one of those huge American high schools and I was a cheerleader. Not a slutty one, just one that had lots of fun, lots of friends, and was super fit.

I worry about planning too much of my life in advance and then something happening, like I become paralysed or I lose someone close to me, or the world ends.

I believe hand written letters are one of life's greatest joys.

My greatest fears are: getting married, having children, and getting pooped on by birds.