Wednesday 30 March 2011

Greater Things Are Yet To Come..

I'm not happy.

That's what I found myself thinking the other day, headed to work. I stopped myself and asked. Why? What are you unhappy about? You have a great job, you have great friends, you have exciting plans for the future. But no matter what I just couldn't shake my bleak outlook. I even scolded myself, bringing to mind impoverished children in third world countries who don't get to have all the luxuries I possess. That made me even more unhappy. Not only am I dismal, I am selfishly so.

I don't know what to do to cheer my mood. Music, maybe. But I feel like this is more than a mere song can alleviate. It's a dull throbbing in the back of my mind, getting louder and louder. Telling me that I can't do it. That I'm not good enough. That I'll never make it anywhere worth going. Telling me I'm not happy and I won't be. That I'll never escape this feeling.

It's crippling. And it makes me feel small in a world of many people. Each with dreams and aspirations of their own.

It keeps me up at night as I try to dream of happy days when I am good enough, and I do fit in and find my way.

Chances are it's just this rainy week that has me down. Praying for the sun to come out and play soon.


Saturday 26 March 2011

Forbidden Love.

Do you choose who you love?

Now, I know I'm using the term "love" too loosely here. And I apologize because I don't like how overused it has become. And realistically, I think love is a choice.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

That kind of love is definitely a choice.

But that's not what I meant. I guess really, I want to know if like is a choice. Infatuation. Attraction.

I mean, do you choose which person steals your heart? Can you control who makes you happy? Who makes your heart skip a beat? Who can put a smile on your face just by showing up.

Because those things feel so very involuntary.

And, if you try to tell whatever it is, your heart, your mind - your pancreas for that matter - not to feel those little things that come so naturally, why does it seem to work in reverse?

Just something that's been on my mind..


Friday 25 March 2011

Dependable Disappointments

Never fails to let me down, but then give me a hope for the future.

Maybe next time...

Thursday 24 March 2011

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world..

Have you ever noticed how you can go for so long and never realize anythings wrong or out of place until something comes along that is so right and so in sync that all of the sudden you can see so clearly that you've been living in the dark?

That happened to me yesterday. As it does every year around this time.
It happens when, one day, unexpectedly, the sun shines. The sky's blue. And the air smells new and fresh.

It's days like yesterday that I realize that all the days up until then have been so very mediocre.

Here's to many more days that the sun shines brightly on our heads.


Monday 21 March 2011

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

Okay. So that chocolate bar I was raving about.. I found it.

And yes, I did sound like a deranged drug addict while trying to find it.

It involved me messaging a boy I have hardly ever spoken to and demanding he tell me where I can buy one.
Well, he messaged back and today I was on the loose.


Er, 4 to be exact. And it wasn't cheap!

But I needed it. And already I've devoured one..
They aren't all for me. I've been gushing about them to a few of my friends, so I will share.

In other news, I officially accepted the offer to attend Bishop's University in the fall, and I applied to residence. Time is flying. One day I wish I go to the place that time goes after it passes me by..

Now I'm off to work on some of that homework I so successfully procrastinated until this point..

All the best,


Ps. This song has been stuck in my head all day.

Saturday 19 March 2011

The Latest Obsession..

I am on a war path to find more of this divine substance. It's heaven on earth and it needs to be in my body. "Dark Chocolate Infused with Red Raspberry Rooibos Tea".. umm... YES. Lets get this party started. 

Friday 18 March 2011

They're singing about my life now..

Just the other week my boyfriend broke up with me. It wasn't a big deal.
Just a "lets be friends instead" thing. I'm moving away in the fall and he thought it'd be the best career move to end it now so it won't be so bad later.

I was fine when he told me this. I had expected it, even.

What I didn't expect was my response.
At first it was how I imagined; calm, unbothered, detatched...

The whole relationship I liked him very much. But I never allowed myself to feel anything deeper than that.
I'm too young. It's not going to last anyways, why put my whole heart into something that will only break it later? I would ask myself. And, I would train my little lub-dubbing muscle to ease up and not get too involved in the matter.

I would only dip my toe in, never jump in head first.

So when we broke up I expected it to be like that, I would say "so long" and all I'd feel is the occasional awkwardness when we passed in the hallway. And it began that way, and somehow - perhaps I live in my head too much? - it has manifested into something so much more.

He rules my thoughts these days. Depending on the time of day, or the song I'm listening too, or who I'm talking to, a memory gets triggered and I go through stages.
  • I'll think of all the times we've had, the good times, and all the memories we made together, and I want them back, I want him back.
  • I'll think of all times he drove me crazy, and I don't even want to see his face again.
  • I'll think of what a nice person he can be, and I just want us to be friends like before we were together.
  • I'll think the terrible time I'm having getting over him and I just want him to be having as hard a time as me.
So, I'm struggling. I've had to talk myself down several times. On the edge of sending him a message telling him how much I miss him and how difficult this is for me, or one that says I have no desire to ever see him again. I don't know how other people do it. If I, who went through the entire relationship in a purposefully detatched state can hardly handle the array of emotions presented by a very nice breakup, then how do the others do it? The ones that really care? The ones that put their whole heart in and come out with nothing left? The cheated on, abandoned, abused. The ones who were engaged and never ended up on the aisles?


And how will I do it? How will I be able to survive a "real" relationship. I knew from the start this was just a high school romance and I knew we would part ways by the time our graduations hats were thrown, and still it's been terrible getting on with my life. Will I ever be able to give my heart to someone without fearing it's destruction should he hand it back?

I hope.