Friday 18 March 2011

They're singing about my life now..

Just the other week my boyfriend broke up with me. It wasn't a big deal.
Just a "lets be friends instead" thing. I'm moving away in the fall and he thought it'd be the best career move to end it now so it won't be so bad later.

I was fine when he told me this. I had expected it, even.

What I didn't expect was my response.
At first it was how I imagined; calm, unbothered, detatched...

The whole relationship I liked him very much. But I never allowed myself to feel anything deeper than that.
I'm too young. It's not going to last anyways, why put my whole heart into something that will only break it later? I would ask myself. And, I would train my little lub-dubbing muscle to ease up and not get too involved in the matter.

I would only dip my toe in, never jump in head first.

So when we broke up I expected it to be like that, I would say "so long" and all I'd feel is the occasional awkwardness when we passed in the hallway. And it began that way, and somehow - perhaps I live in my head too much? - it has manifested into something so much more.

He rules my thoughts these days. Depending on the time of day, or the song I'm listening too, or who I'm talking to, a memory gets triggered and I go through stages.
  • I'll think of all the times we've had, the good times, and all the memories we made together, and I want them back, I want him back.
  • I'll think of all times he drove me crazy, and I don't even want to see his face again.
  • I'll think of what a nice person he can be, and I just want us to be friends like before we were together.
  • I'll think the terrible time I'm having getting over him and I just want him to be having as hard a time as me.
So, I'm struggling. I've had to talk myself down several times. On the edge of sending him a message telling him how much I miss him and how difficult this is for me, or one that says I have no desire to ever see him again. I don't know how other people do it. If I, who went through the entire relationship in a purposefully detatched state can hardly handle the array of emotions presented by a very nice breakup, then how do the others do it? The ones that really care? The ones that put their whole heart in and come out with nothing left? The cheated on, abandoned, abused. The ones who were engaged and never ended up on the aisles?


And how will I do it? How will I be able to survive a "real" relationship. I knew from the start this was just a high school romance and I knew we would part ways by the time our graduations hats were thrown, and still it's been terrible getting on with my life. Will I ever be able to give my heart to someone without fearing it's destruction should he hand it back?

I hope.

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