Monday 27 June 2011

It's Been A Good Run.

Finished. And it has been good - great, even. And it is done.

Our graduation ceremony was Friday, and our dry grad was Friday night/Saturday morning. Too many words for it all. I wish we had a week to experience what we did in one night. So much excitement. So much to take in.

Our parents spoiled us to death. The prizes alone for this event must have cost a fortune. And the decorations, the games, the entertainment. Mind blowing.

I am so thankful for everything that has brought me to this point. Somehow all the stress, the tears, the late nights wondering if I was going to finish everything on time fade from my mind and all there is, is the amazing moments. The ones that I will hold on to forever. Even through the longest ceremony of all time, where we had to go through every one of us graduates, it was still beautiful and wonderful.
I don't know if I will be able to ever fully appreciate everything our parents, our teachers, and my fellow grads did to make this all happen, but I do know I am so very thankful they did it all.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all. These last few weeks have been ones to remember. From the grad tie dying, to the grad party I helped organize, to the cap and gown ceremony, to the amazing, fantastic, unbelievable dry grad, it has been unforgettable.

These last 12 years in high school have been well worth this. And now I am ready - for the moment at least - to face the "real world" and go onto what lies ahead.

Hopefully I will have a clearer mind later to express in more detail some of the past events. Right now, thank you, to everyone who has helped me along the way. I have so much gratitude, and I hope that the way I live my life will be an expression of that gratitude.


Monday 20 June 2011

This Is For You.

I have far too much pride
For a girl who says the wrong things
And I have far too little strength
For a girl who's set to fight

I have far too much unrest
For a girl who lives by dreaming
And I have far too little faith
For a girl who must believe

The truth is that I miss you
And I ruined what we had
I've been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find the right

The truth is, I am worried
That this life won't meet my fancy
And the truth is, that I'm longing
For something I can hold tight

I do not want to leave with things as they are. I'm sorry.


Sunday 19 June 2011

I'm Going To Miss This..

It's nearly over. My entire high school career is at it's close. Everything will be officially over in one week.

So much is happening so fast, and so much is running through my brain.
I guess I'm getting a little bit sad now, realizing this is all coming to an end. It's something I've been waiting for since I was a wide-eyed child on the playground, and now that the final days are upon me, I want to hold on to the nearest moment and not let go.

I keep thinking about all the things I meant to do before the last bell rings. All the people I always meant to go out to lunch with. All the friendships that are just beginning. And now, the end is just a few tests away. No more school days, with real classes. Just a building open for tests, and teachers waiting for the last of the school work to trickle in - or be dumped upon them in a violent storm of quickly mustered assignments.

And although I am looking forward to the moment when I walk across the stage and am declared graduated by my teachers and friends, so much of me is not ready for that. I keep listening to nostalgic tunes, and looking at photos of these past years. Wondering who I'm going to be without all the people that have brought me to this place.

Stop this train. I want to get off and go home again.
 I can't take the speed it's moving in.
I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.

Thursday 16 June 2011

The Beauty In Ugly, And The Ugly In Beauty

If you wanna get free,
and if you wanna do the passionate thing,
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart,
you should own your name and stand up tall, and get real
and see the beauty in ugly.
- Jason Mraz

From time to time I go blog jumping. I see who other people are following and I see if they're posting anything that might interest me. Many times I find some that do. But a couple days ago, my jumping around brought me to a place - many places really - that broke my heart.

Now, most of the blogs I've encountered, they're about music, photography, religion, love, etc. And I suppose I just assumed that that's what all people blogged about. But upon my stumbling, I found out that some people are writing in a much darker, and confused state.

I came across dozens of blogs written by anorexic girls - dozens, and I hardly skimmed the surface. There is a huge community of them. And my heart broke as I read their posts. Many of them starting off saying things like "I failed today/this week/this month", "I feel awful because I went over my 400 calorie limit today", "I'm trying a new fast, maybe I can last a week this time", "Stay starving girls!". Then they would post photos of terribly skinny girls calling it "Thinspiration". Their blogs would be called things like "Quest to Perfection", "Journey to Skinny", "Anything For Thin". Words cannot express how helpless I felt - and do feel - reading those words, seeing those photos, trying to understand the mindset that these girls are in. Trying to figure out what words, if any, I could possibly say to reach out to them and - ideally - change that mindset.

It's one thing to fail to see the beauty in "ugly" (although I wish more people took Jason Mraz's standpoint on that one). But it's a whole new scary world when you fail to see the ugly that comes with the consuming desire for "beauty". A desire that runs stronger than your own will to survive and be healthy.

My heart is so broken for these girls. I feel compelled to reach out, but I don't know what words I could say that could break through their clouded vision. A vision that only shows themselves in a tainted mirror. I pray for clarity for me, but mostly for each and every one of them, that they should see their beauty, and not look to conform to the world's standards of it, to believe it.


Sunday 12 June 2011

It's Like The Ocean.

Dreams come true a little too late when you're not living in the world of happily ever after, so when they do, it's a bittersweet taste. Laughable; wistful.

Remember when that was everything I wanted? This would have meant the world to me two years ago. And now - now that it's happened - it's just a funny story to tell.

But that's okay. Life's all about timing. And this time it's for the better - I won't need hindsight to explain this one down the road.

It's like the oceans tides, changing always. That's what I like: life isn't static. It grows with us, we mature and it shapes itself accordingly. Because sometimes things are better as a story of wrong timing, than of something wrong, timed just right.


Wednesday 1 June 2011

It Couldn't Last.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

{Photo: Format}


All I am is an expiry date. Nothing but a ticking clock, counting down to the day I leave, and each second that brings me closer to that date makes me more and more worthless to those around me now.

Why get close to the girl that'll vanish?

I feel like a piece that doesn't fit right. I have no place; no home.

I was in a lost, lonely space again tonight and I was searching and searching for somewhere to find solace. I don't want to feel alone, but I would rather say goodbye now then hold on and feel that hurt when I'm really gone. Wouldn't I?