Is Love Alive?

This could be the end of everything,
so why don't we go somewhere only we know

Keane

{Photo: Jeremy Snell}

Sometimes The Rain Is Beautiful

People love to complain.

I am not exempt from that statement.

My own internal complaints made me realize, again, how true it is.

"Life was so much easier back when -"

No. Life is easier now than it will be later,

when we'll have bills to pay, mouths to feed,

and people we'll have to answer to.

"If only I had - "

No. If only I would -

stand up off the couch and live

and love and follow my heart,

and move on from the past into a bright

and promising future.

"It's their fault -"

No. It's my fault for being hung up on it,

and for not taking responsibilty for my

own actions.

I felt the need to check myself today, as I was heading

down the oh-so-familiar road towards a pity party.

Sometimes we all need to give our heads a shake, and remember,

our lives are always better than someone else's out there.

Give thanks.

S

Untold Stories..

I'm beginning to think that what makes each person different from the next is the secret things. The untold stories. The emotions that can never be put into words. That life is just one valiant attempt to be understood, and get as many of those internal feelings out in the world. And that you become to others all that you can express, and to yourself all that you can't.

S

How Fickle My Heart And How Woozy My Eyes

If I knew what I wanted it would be easier to get it, to get there.

But I never was one for decision making. And right now clarity is evading me with a skill mastered from many years of success.

Nothing seems to be black and white, just a whole variety of greys. A whole array of if's, but's and when's. And many many why's.

And I am so swayed by small things. One single unassuming comment. One perfectly timed song. One encouraging laugh. One almost missed eye contact and smile. It can change my mind. And all the sudden everything I know is questioned.

Perhaps clarity tries to find me, and save me. But I let the little things carry it away, as I wrestle with myself. And maybe it doesn't matter what I want. Who am I in the grand scheme? Maybe it's enough just to get through these days, and wait for the clarity to come later. Maybe.

S

Remember when..

You brought me to that spot for the second time and told me that you wanted to be my boyfriend and you gave me my very very first kiss. The stars were shining then, and you kept me warm when I started to get chilly. And you waited oh so patiently until I responded.. Two days later. You waited for me a lot.

We jumped into the Quarry on that raining day in May in nothing but our underwear. We had no towels, of course, so instead I drove home with the hot air blasting so my parents wouldn't ask why I was soaked. That day is one of my best memories. I still think about it on rainy days.

We had a picnic on the beach with just a blanket, fishy crackers and some film. It was beautiful.

We would spend days together with no agenda, and just find where that took us. Always to beautiful spots. I miss exploring this little corner of the world with you.

We lay out under the stars for hours, that freezing day in February, making up stories for all the constellations. I wanted that to last forever.

We went to the concert in Victoria. You didn't have your license yet so I had to drive. And it took forever to find a parking spot, and when we were all the way at the door (just in time) I realized I had left my ticket in the car. You walked back with me, and we saw one of the band members standing outside. But I still felt bad the rest of the night. Now I think about how I should have just felt happy to be spending time with you.

You would write me notes and hide them in my textbooks so I would find them in class and have something to smile about.


You took me to Kinsol Tressel and as we were walking back you held my hand for the first time and it just felt so natural.

We found that swing in the forest by my house. I love swings.

You would always hold my bag for me, even if it made you look silly.

I would always try to make you spin me around, because I wanted to be like one of those couples in movies. But you hated it because you thought it made you look silly.

I begged you to get a photo with Santa because I wanted something to put in the Christmas section of the scrapbook I planned to make you for graduation day, but you refused.

You made me cookies and I didn't know they were for me so I accidentally left them on the desk. They were delicious when I finally tried them.

You told me you loved me for the first time and I could never say it back. You never got to see the million times I wanted to but was too afraid.

We went to that movie together but just ended up kissing in the back like a typical teenage couple. That was a silly night. But it was one of my favorites.
We were driving back from Victoria and we stopped at one of the viewpoints and lay out on one of the picnic tables and looked at the stars. Everything was perfect then.

Your hands would always warm up mine. They feel cold a lot now.

You made me my very own yearbook when it didn't look like I would get one. I still can't help smile when I look at it. But it's a sad smile now.

I never wanted you to touch my face or take pictures of me. It was because I was afraid that you having your hands on my face would make you realize it wasn't as pretty as you thought I was, or that you'd get an awful picture and see that I wasn't good enough for you.

I went to your birthday dinner and your mom told embarrassing stories. That day made me so happy. It made me hope that one day I would be able to be comfortable enough to come in to your house and talk with your family any time.

You broke up with me and then brought me out into the pouring rain and kissed me on the lips. I wanted to tell you that I didn't want it to end, but I knew you had already moved on, and I didn't want to hold you back.

Facts

Ferris Bueller's Day Off never gets old.

I love apple juice. I would say it's one of my passions.

I can be really competetive at times. That being said.. I'm going to win Gotcha. Watch the heck out grads.

I've had to work every Sunday for months, and I feel like all this time away from church and my Christian friends is weighing heavily down on my relationship with God.

It scares me how much the weather can control my mood.

I wish I could sing.

Sometimes I wish I grew up in one of those huge American high schools and I was a cheerleader. Not a slutty one, just one that had lots of fun, lots of friends, and was super fit.

I worry about planning too much of my life in advance and then something happening, like I become paralysed or I lose someone close to me, or the world ends.

I believe hand written letters are one of life's greatest joys.

My greatest fears are: getting married, having children, and getting pooped on by birds.

All Over Again?

The patterns are so similar. Do they all do the same thing? I mean, I don't really object. They're cute, and if they didn't work, they wouldn't use these tactics on us women.

But I guess I'm wondering:

Am I ready to do this all over again?

Staying up late to text. Saying those cute ridiculous things to each other. Those sickeningly cute things. About how funny/smart/great they are. Making plans of movies nights to see films the other one just has to see. Dropping hints about how they should come with you on a trip to see one of your favorite spots. Mentioning things you love, and finding out you have that in common. In short: the shameless, abandoned flirting.

And as nice as it feels, and as much as an unexpected text can make me beam from ear to ear, and even though the feelings are beautiful and uplifting, I can't help but think: Why bother?

I'll be jetting out of this place in a matter of months, is it worth entangling my heart in a sure trap for the sake of the bright feelings it brings now, when sooner than later it will only bring pain.

No. It is not.

But will I regardless? That may be a different story.

S

It's More Than You Can Take, But You Catch A Glimpse Of Sunlight.





Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done,

Or who I will become.
Who will love me for me?

Because no one has shown me

What love really means.

JJ Heller - Love Me

Of Sickness and Desertion

I'm graduating soon. And soon I have to do a presentation about my life up until this point.

Naturally I've been digging around in photo albums old and new and I have found myself in a severe state of nostalgia. Reminiscing on days of the past is not easy when the place you're at now simply does not compare.


I miss having a hand to hold.



And looking back at the good times only brings to mind the reasons they are no longer good times. All the falling outs, the hurt and sadness. The loneliness. It all comes back in an instant. And right now it feels a little bit more than I can bear.

Lately I haven't been as good as I would wish.

Last night, being sick and exhausted, my dance teacher told me I could leave class early. And I drove home. Crying all the way. Why? No reason in particular.. Many reasons, probably. As I said, I was sick and exhausted. I was (am) feeling like a failure because I'm dropping a course in school. And somehow the rejection that came with my break up hasn't fully healed, it seems. And it didn't help to have Dallas Green singing songs to me out of my CD player that seemed to describe my situation perfectly.

I wish these days were the picture perfect high schools you see in movies. But life's not like the movies. Those days were never real. It's not even like the pictures of the past. Those days are long gone.

I'm just feeling very empty these days. And my fear is that I'll never get full.

S

Ps. Waiting... - City and Colour

It's Go Time.

I need to get out of this town. I am ready to move on to a new and exciting town where it's not always raining, and where I don't have to think about homework, mid-terms, and dropping courses. But. Lets turn this post around.

Here's a list of the reasons I should stay and enjoy my last few months here:

1. A play I wrote for my Writing class first term got accepted into a competition, and it's being performed in a couple months.
2. My cousin is moving into my house at the end of the month and it's going to be beyond rad to have her here. She's a year older than me.
3. Eventually the sun will come out here, and I will be able to do fun things outside.
4. I will graduate soon. Even when it feels like I won't..
5. Kevin Brooks did a presentation at school today, and reminded me not to take what I have for granted. Such a powerful message. He's in a wheelchair after an accident he caused from drinking and driving rendered him paralysed and killed a friend.  
6. This summer I plan on having an unreal time.
7. I'll be gone before I can blink, the way time is flying. And I'll probably miss it like crazy then..

I wish I could think of more, but this cold and dreary weather have got me in a funk.
And lets face it.. we all do need change. But lets make the most of what we have while we have it.

S