you have a mole under the corner of your left eye and it was the first thing i loved about you. you have a scar that runs down your stomach that you got while play-fighting in the woods when you were six, and it was the 5th thing i loved about you (after your lopsided grin, the ruddiness of your cheeks, and the calm of your voice). you have a patch of freckles on your right calf that look like ursa minor, and I'm not sure what number this was because somewhere after five i stopped counting parts and started seeing a whole. and this would have been terrifying had it not happened so slowly and so without me realizing that the pieces were adding up to make someone who would, one day, become a part of me.
if you like, i could write the whole long list of everything you made me love, but i've found the things i didn't fit easier on a page: when you stopped smiling with your teeth, how your words became smaller and more sharp over time, the look on your face when you said goodbye and meant it. and i understand the goodbye, i do. it's just, some days i miss that mole under your eye. S.
ps. hello my lovely readers. this month marks 3 years of writing in this space(!), and in all that time the appearance of this blog has remained mostly unchanged; this month i decided change was due. i hope you like the new look! i also just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my posts, you mean more to me than i know how to express. thank you for your kindness, encouragement, and support; i genuinely love and appreciate every comment and i'm sorry that i'm not better at responding to them. i'm going to try to be more interactive, so if you have any suggestions for the blog, any writing prompt/subject ideas you'd like me to try, or any questions about myself, i'd love to hear them! i also have an email you can contact me directly at: firstname.lastname@example.org . thank you all again.
i find loss comes the hardest when forgotten for a moment, for a time and then i reach for where you ought to be with words i ought to say and find you nowhere i can't use fancy words to dress this up i don't know how i don't know how i don't know how S.
i'm not sure what it was in your life that made you feel that you had to shout to be heard and only violent hands could get your point across i'm not sure what made you think of manipulation as the only way to get what you're after and faux-kindness something you can sell to the highest bidder (for a time)
somewhere in life you mastered the one-sided argument and learned to twist words till they sound nothing the same as when they came out your voice became a siren in my nightmares and i used to hear it right before i feel asleep, then re-awaken heart pounding and even after i got out, making sure i'd never cross your path again even then i'd peek around corners and speak in hushed tones and hold my breath when the phone would pierce through the silence S.
One day I plan to tell you how I really felt feel about you, without the wordplay and best guesses. One day I plan to spell it all out in a language we can both speak and comprehend.
You will know that day is here when my heart is bleeding onto everything I touch. When my skin is all but screaming to be wrapped up in your arms.When my every bone quakes at the sound of your voice. (Or am I back to wordplay?) You will know it is that day because it will sounds like this: I loved love you. I love you, dammit. S.