I could say something about the smallness and instability of life, but those words are all used up.
I don't understand why these things happen. I don't understand the significance of life. I have yet to determine why I'm here - why anyone's here - and then, all so suddenly, not.
Sometimes I see so much beauty in the day; sometimes I feel as though I'm getting a grasp on meaning and purpose.
Today is not like that. My heart hurts.
I'm losing my faith. I can feel it escaping from me with each passing breath.
I've been thinking about human life. What if all we really are is a strange combination of atoms; a brilliant number of chemical reactions; a jumble of neurons, protons and electrons. What if that's all we are and nothing more.
What if they're right and we're meaningless and finite.
I still pray for comfort.
I was so close to telling you everything. I haven't figured out if I'm thankful I didn't, or if it was the worst mistake I've made.
Either way, it ends the same. Either way, we die: dirt and dust.
I found out today that that smile isn't just for me. Not that I should have thought it so. But still.
It changes things, I think.
Maybe it gives it less power over me. Knowing that it has been used - is being used - on others. Knowing it's been weakening more knees than my own, well, perhaps it makes mine stronger.
I like to think so, anyhow. But truth be told, I may soon forget. Oh, as soon as it's shot in my direction again, I imagine.
For I am a stupid girl. Oh, so very stupid. And I forget what a cynic I am. I forget that I've given up on love, and on true, honest men that can be devoted to one woman for the rest of their lives. I forget that words like "love" and "forever" were made up by cruel people behind books, instruments and Hollywood posters with nothing to do but inflict a cold, hard misery on real life for the sake of a best seller or a good show. I forget so much with a glance.
With a glance, I believe in faithful partners. In lasting love. In honest answers. In trust and trustworthiness. --- All fake. All blind. All made up for a story with a happy ending.
It's time I woke up. It's time I opened my eyes. It's time I said goodbye.
I haven't put a word to how I feel about you yet. As far as words can go, they still haven't reached here. Not that I can find, anyway.And not in a sappy love-song kind of way. No, I'm not saying that I have some kind of love or a passion that goes deeper and further than language. Just a feeling I haven't had before.
I could try here, to write out what I know. To put the pen towards honest words; honest feelings. But you know that would open me up more than I am willing, making me just a step further out of my boundaries than I can allow.
You can - and will - read between the lines and answer for yourself; you're probably better at finding the words than me.
-- There are a handful of things that I fear in this world. The deepest of these, the ones that I think on most, are the ones surrounding relationships. Any relationship. Any closeness.
This is where I stumble. This is why I fail. And this is where you brush up to the border; sticking your foot in the door and scaring me, for I have not yet become the person I need be.
I will never be her. Not so far as I can see.
I already know what you need, and - most importantly- what you don't.
I just returned from a weekend in Boston. Boston in the fall.
I can't retell how lovely it was, only to say it wasalmost as breathtaking and divine and majestic as home. That, of course, was the trouble.
First there were the mountains. Snow capped and beautiful. But that's not what I was waiting for. And when finally I did see what I was after, it took away my speech. The ocean. The glorious ocean. Pulling in late at night, I could see it stretching down the beach for miles, the waves breaking with a fury, the moon as the spotlight. And I could hardly contain my excitement for what the morning would reveal.
Disappointed I was not.
Thinking on it now makes my heart long for it all again. This is the closest I've been to homesick since leaving, because this weekend has been the closest I've been to home. The closest I've been able to relate anything to the lunch hours we snuck down to the beach, or days we hiked to some bright spot, or mornings we woke early to the sunrise. Closest to the crashing waves andboat ridesandsea wind.
It was the first time for one girl on this trip. Her first time ever seeing the ocean. And this struck me because I cannot imagine a life without.
A life that never stood out on a jutting rock as the water swelled up, being sprayed with sea mist as the wind blew salty hair into tangles. That never leaned over the dock trying to catch all the white jelly-fish in sight. That never ran in, on a late August night, and watched as the movements made the phosphorescence light up. That never simply sat beside, looking and wondering at everything, because the magnificent expanse could not help but provoke your mind to engage in the beauty and grandeur that lay out beyond you.
The days are getting colder. It snowed last week and I was outside in it. Wandering around in my cardigan, staring up at the darkness and the white.
You know how I get in the cold. You know I wasn't designed for it. Yet for some reason, I chose here to be my home.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. It's November. It's November and I'm freezing.
You'd think I'd have run to warmth, run to the very thing I desire. I like heat best. It seems, though, that I have a perpetual problem of holding on to it, so that maybe, subconsciously, I just let it go. It would not have been my first time..
But I'm here now, and that has to be faced. So I'll tie a piece of home around my neck. I'll hang it there, as heavy as the hopes I carry with it. And I'll brave each winter night, and wait for my escape.