the art of being destroyed .

i never thought we'd get here.

when it came to you and me
i had begun to believe that all we'd ever be is
two lost causes
staring across crooked timing with inaudible 'what ifs' awake on our tongues.

two broken-compassed travellers
who could never stay on the trail long enough to collapse under
the same night sky.

but now i see
that we are two stories about the same moment
that sound nothing the same
and yet are both true
and both beautiful.

i was a shipwreck and you were the ocean
and no matter where i went
i was always going to drown
and you were always going to swallow me whole.

S.

{Photo: Memoriste Flickr}

Winter winds.

Isn't it so that time disturbs most everything?

More than anything, I fear putting myself within your grasp because time has a terrible habit of sweeping me away before anyone else can.

And yet it seems that love unused burns the strongest and the longest.

I think, if you took me back to that night, when you brushed my forehead with your lips with whispered words for only my hearing, forcing things to change, I think, I would have answered you differently. But who can know?

Time keeps ticking forward and this story is buried in the past.

S. 

{Photo: Emma Llensa Flickr}

Fade to dust.

I stayed up until the earliest morning's gold touched down and unfurled itself at the worlds edge. So sure, I had been, that I could stop tomorrow from coming if I could hold steady my grip on today. But it shifted in my grasp. I have only hours until the world wakes up around me and forces me to accept this movement I'm enclosed in.

You never told me why you didn't wait.

I've guessed that the moments I missed carried you away in the end. Often and again, I remind myself that that's okay - with words so simple to repeat and so impossible to feel. But I will try again this new day: it is good this way. 

S. 

{Photo: Alexander Duvall Flickr}

All is quiet here.

I've been moving from one city to the next. And while each change in scenery is welcomed, I cannot help but feel that the weather is following me; pinning me under its spell. A lonesome grip held by the chilled and dampened grey.

I long for the rising of the sun, even just to remind me that it's real. To awake the frozen skin I'm covered in; to reveal the colours of the earth, hidden in plain sight, gone unnoticed without illumination. 

I had hoped that leaving the country would open up the doors to inspiration and revive this deadened piece of me. Instead I still feel underneath it all. Buried deep under some weight I cannot name, apart from even the comfort of words. (My words, that is.) I've found there is no easy stream of language overtaking me. I'm met with silence, growing ever more disturbing to my heart.

The quietness of the land does little to comfort me. What should bring a soft relaxation brings rather a raw desperation. I find I cannot open my mouth to speak here; each sound echoing in this valley. 

And while beauty surrounds me down every bend, it too is burdened by the stillness and the grey. I feel that it longs, as I do, to come alive.

S. 

{Photo via: We Heart It}

The night when joy began -

I know it flawlessly
Every detail stitched with precision
Upon this mind, that longs to lose it;
That longs to leave it buried
With the rest of untold stories.

I know you won't, but I remember

That small moment - not quite asleep,
When you pulled me closer
Holding me just nearer than what made sense
Oh but somehow, this heart settled.

I breathed in that moment
Knowing it would soon be lost.

Back then, I scarcely recognized it for what it was:
The beginning and the end of me.

S.

{Photo: Flickr Lauryn Holmquist} 

Time Machine.

I shouldn't have done that..

I shouldn't have gone back in time.

I remember so much now; too much. Oh, these are yesterday's feelings.

S.

{Photo: Flickr Mischelle }

The sounds of loneliness.

It's taking my breath away, the way a song can flood my mind with the past. I'm really drowning. Drowning in the long - frequent - drives, in the late nights spent with you, in all the things that I forgot to say racing through my mind.

I forgot this loneliness, but it's a not a feeling I despise. Instead I let it crawl back to me in its old familiar way. It comes to hold my hand through the cold, grey months. It latches onto my heart and grabs a hold of my mind (again). There is something odd about this feeling - something addicting about the ache it creates in me. I remember it all.

And I welcome it back. Maybe I ought not wish its return, but there is that something about it. That familiarity that I accidentally long for. Maybe I'd rather - sometimes - fall back and drown in an aching comfort than march forward and upward and past it all.

But it sounds ridiculous like that, no? Unambitious, perhaps? Very well, I am stupid and lazy. But it may be said, clearly and soundly, that some of my most fond memories were in that time. They were in the car rides by myself, in the late night visits that ended too late and too soon, in facing some battles by myself, and in the music that surrounded me all the while. So today I reach for that old friend - the dull ache that kept me company when my heart was beyond the reach of human touch. I let it take me again, to a place where I felt many things, and nothing at all.


S.

{Photo: Junkiesky Tumblr}

It's Like The Ocean.

Dreams come true a little too late when you're not living in the world of happily ever after, so when they do, it's a bittersweet taste. Laughable; wistful.

Remember when that was everything I wanted? This would have meant the world to me two years ago. And now - now that it's happened - it's just a funny story to tell.

But that's okay. Life's all about timing. And this time it's for the better - I won't need hindsight to explain this one down the road.

It's like the oceans tides, changing always. That's what I like: life isn't static. It grows with us, we mature and it shapes itself accordingly. Because sometimes things are better as a story of wrong timing, than of something wrong, timed just right.

S

It's Go Time.

I need to get out of this town. I am ready to move on to a new and exciting town where it's not always raining, and where I don't have to think about homework, mid-terms, and dropping courses. But. Lets turn this post around.

Here's a list of the reasons I should stay and enjoy my last few months here:

1. A play I wrote for my Writing class first term got accepted into a competition, and it's being performed in a couple months.
2. My cousin is moving into my house at the end of the month and it's going to be beyond rad to have her here. She's a year older than me.
3. Eventually the sun will come out here, and I will be able to do fun things outside.
4. I will graduate soon. Even when it feels like I won't..
5. Kevin Brooks did a presentation at school today, and reminded me not to take what I have for granted. Such a powerful message. He's in a wheelchair after an accident he caused from drinking and driving rendered him paralysed and killed a friend.  
6. This summer I plan on having an unreal time.
7. I'll be gone before I can blink, the way time is flying. And I'll probably miss it like crazy then..

I wish I could think of more, but this cold and dreary weather have got me in a funk.
And lets face it.. we all do need change. But lets make the most of what we have while we have it.

S