Monday 4 May 2015

my heart .

you died for real today, my ghost.

you've dropped into a pool of grief that has been building for some time and i'm not quite sure when the dam will break but the water is getting high.

when people ask who hurt me; who made me see the world differently and then left me alone to deal with the view, it was you. i don't tell them, but it was. you did it years ago and you did it today. you showed me how evil life can get, not out of cruelty and not to scare me, just to let me in.

i wish i showed you how far i let you in. you were allowed into places that no one else has come close to touching. i let you in without knowing, yet, that it is from the inside that a heart can be damaged.

i loved you first and i loved you deep.

deeper than i ever let you know and i'm sorry for that — but there are some places even words can't touch, and you lived there. you still do.

you fought and slayed your share of demons, Ben. i hope you've found the rest you always deserved.

love forever,



  1. I don't have words anywhere deep enough that will touch these wods you wrote S.... I can feel how unbelievably sad you are... you know why? Because I have loved one person the way that you have.... it made me think about how over poweringly sad I would be if he were to die...

    I have missed you S and I have thought of you often...I'm so sorry you are dealing with such deep pain.... :'( ....

  2. When things like this happen, nothing makes sense. No one can say that the world is fair, that life is fair. The upside is that you met someone you could trust completely, that's a very rare thing. All my love to you.

    / Avy

  3. This is a gorgeous tribute. I am so sorry for your loss and for the grief your heart has felt. Hopefully it makes you grow and lives in your art without completely eating your soul. You are gorgeous and wonderful. Sending all my love, S. xx