To Be Torn

I am learning a lesson. A lesson of heart ties and longing. And it is preparing me, I think, for the future. For a couple months from now - or is it just one? Where has the time gone?

Being a camp counsellor this summer on an island that is 3 long ferry rides from home is teaching me - slowly, painfully - that once I cross over into the great unknown that, right now, is named Quebec, I will always be looking back in some sense - longing for those friendships and moments and familiarities. But not always to home. Because when I am home, I will feel that same longing and wishing and wondering about my new home. I will always long for the other. Not that my heart will divide in two, but instead, a new heart will grow for that place and those people, and no matter where I go, something or someone will inevitably be missing.

This is what I am learning on the little island where I'm spending half my summer. It is a scary lesson. It frightens me because I can feel it already. Even after only spending two weeks there. Two weeks at camp, verses a lifetime at home; and yet my heart is already torn, filled with longing for the other when the other's not around.

How will my heart hold if it is strained this way for the rest of my life? How can anyone stand the longing?

{And yet, I can't wait! Every day I grow more and more restless to get started on this new time in my life! I only hope I am ready - as ready as I can be.}

S

Regarding Boys..

I don't know and I won't ever.

But I do know now is not the time to let my heart go wandering.

No, no, no.

S

Grow Old With Me

They came to sit and dangle their feet off the edge of the world, and after awhile they forgot everything but the good and true things they would do someday.

Brian Andreas

{Photo: Samuel Bradley}

For Victor

A boy my age, from my town, died on Thursday. I never knew him; many of my friends did.

Fresh out of high school - so much life in him. Dreams. People that loved him. People that wanted to see him go as far in life as they knew he could. He could.

He won't.

I was - and am - struggling with this. Struggling with God. All of the why's flood into my mind. This was a talented boy, a nice boy. Someone with a good heart, a good family, and good goals. Gone.

It was a car accident that did it. No one else was involved - and I suppose that is something to be thankful for. He went off the road, hitting a tree, and wasn't found for hours. Hours. I wonder if he had been found sooner, if there would have been hope for him. I wonder many things. Who he would have known, where he would have lived, what he would have done with his life. And I don't know, and I won't.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't angry with God about this. Furious.

Why is it fine to save some lives, and then allow others to perish. Why does He get to be so chosey - and why do His choices suck in my eyes?

I am struggling.

I will not say rest in peace Victor. For I hope he does not. That is - I hope he is peaceful. But resting? No. I hope and trust that he is dancing with the angels, and standing in the presence of our God, with no need to rest anymore.

For even though it is a tragedy, it is a tragedy for us. Our loss. We're the ones wishing he could live out all of his dreams, and bring all the joy he could have brought into the world. Him? I am sure he would pick his current position over ours ten times out of ten, despite his earthly goals.

But I pray strength, peace, and acceptance for his family and friends. As well, for my own friends and family. That I would not take my moments with them for granted, because life is shorter than we think, and they deserve my love.

S.

Remind Me Again Why I'm Leaving..

The beautiful quarry. The best days are usually spent here. 

One of my best friends, Jemmy, and I. We're really tanned.

Darbi.. one of my best friends since Kindergarten. She is an angel.

Hailey (Diary Of A Mood Ring Girl), being an absolute babe.

Sunset on the lake.

I live in the most beautiful place on Earth. With the most lovely friends.

These are the summer days that I look forward to all year.

The quarry in the afternoon, evenings on the lake, and amazing people to share it with.

Why, why, why do I want to leave here?

That being said, I am extremely excited for the fall and the

new chapter of my life that it represents!

I'm just trying to make sure I get my fill of this place

before I step away from it all. And every time I do,

my love for it grows and grows.

Here's to more summer days as great as these ones.

S.

Elastic Hearts.

I just got back from a week of staff training at a camp.
It's a small camp. On a small island. With a small staff.  For a small amount of time.

Yet somehow the smallness - the closeness - of all things to all else, made it an unbelievable week, and I've come back from it feeling.. loved.
In a way that I haven't, for a very long time.

It's one thing to feel love from family - and I  have an amazing family. It's one thing to feel love from close friends you've grown up with - and let it be known that I have the best friends the universe could offer up. And it is one thing to feel loved from a boy - and I can't say I've ever truly experienced that at this point in my life, so I can't say much there.

But to feel the love from strangers that you've only known for such a small period, and to feel it so deeply.. it warms my soul - (however cheesy that may sound.) It reminds me of what it looks like when you live your life Christ centered. And it reminds me that hearts can love so big. A heart can stretch and heal and open up to new people whenever the need arises. There is no limit known.

I decided to be a camp counselor this summer on a whim. I heard about it, and just decided I'd apply. And the people that I have met there have already created such a space in my heart that I didn't know there was room for. It's funny to think about not knowing them.

Our choices impact our lives so deeply. And I can only hope that I will make more choices that will impact my life with such deep love and learning, as this one has.

S.

PS. Matthew Barber's voice is magic.